Voxran
by Super Tinfoil Man Part 2
Summary: A mid-level Hitchhiker's adventures. His mission, find The Devil's ship and add the first entry of The Devil into The Guide. But Harold "The Mustache" Garmone might have something to say about that.
1. Subsection 6 Chapter 1

**The Almost Complete Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy **

* * *

_Voxran Handerhanderhan_

* * *

_Disclaimer : I do not own The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy_

* * *

_Chapter 1 - Subsection 6 -_

* * *

**T**he Blue-Green planet of _Garmonthera_ sat there spinning in space. With a population of 7 billion beings and countless other things, it was a popular place of study for such a Hitchhiker like Voxran Handerhanderhan. He stood next to a shady looking bar entitled _Shady Looking Bar _checking out his schedule on his wrist computer.

" Fourteen days, three minutes , ten seconds. " His wrist computer announced. Voxran wiped his sweaty brow with his sleeve. It's been too long adding to the _Guide _here.

" _Shady Looking Bar _will be serving Hotlicks Beer in 5.3 minutes. " His wrist computer continued.

" What's the next scheduled ….." Voxran was completely cut off by his wrist computer.

" It would be nice to hold a normal conversation for once. " Voxran gave his watch a curious look. _Damn thing must be malfunctioning again, I don't think I got it wet. _He turned off his computer watch and brushed back his dark green hair, it was way too hot out now. He watched a teenager smouldering in the alley, it was that hot.

" Excuse me, it was rather rude turning me off after a normal request for conversation. I would like to start by saying…." Voxran took his watch off and removed the battery.

He hailed a speeder taxi. He entered the foul smelling vehicle and paid the driver to take him to the nearest space port. The Mongrool driving wanted to start an argument for no good reason.

* * *

_**The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Entry No. 23,456,720 - Subsection 2 - Paragraph 45 - Page 15 - SubData Scrape 2367.7 - Half way down. ----- **_

_The Mongrool is an alien race first discovered on Garmonthera 150 years ago trapped in a cave far east of Hifart Hills. The average Mongrool is approx. six feet tall with pale yellow skin, they have a distinctive stink to them, kind of like garbage and fish combined with Dograt dung. Once they were integrated into society they quickly found use for themselves as taxi drivers, seeing as the symbol for the Galactic Cooperation of Taxi United has the very same symbol as their god Frygrool. _

_The Mongrool hates everyone except Mongrool's, but further studies show that they even hate each other most of the time. There has been rumours that they are a unisex type of alien, but nobody really wants to find out if its true. Gross. _

* * *

" I said , " The Mongrool growled, " what space port ?! There's three thousand in this city alone man ! "

Foxran sat back and closed his eyes , " Just the nearest one please, perhaps Dranpitt Street Port. Sound good to you ? "

" Are you nuts man ? Dranport will take at least fifteen minutes through this 4:35 PM traffic jam ! "

" Well, " Foxran sighed , " how about _you_ decide then. "

" ME ?! I don't offer those kind of thinking services !! " The Mongrool's temples bulged with veins, his pale yellow skin was turning a darker shade. For some reason, the fish part of his smell intensified.

" Perhaps _I_ could help ? " Foxran's wrist computer chimed from his jacket pocket. He reached in his opposite pocket and eyed the battery he removed earlier.

" Please. " He said, taking the haunted watch from his pocket.

" The nearest and fasted space port is down 17 Wanker Dr, Apartment Level 6 , Garage 3. " The wrist computer chimed for the driver to overhear.

" That's the one then driver. " Foxran said putting his watch away.

" I have a NAME you know ! " The Mongrool turned and growled some more. This was going to be one long day.

* * *

The space port they arrived at was primarily a commercial port that carried everything from McDonald's to Burger King to the planet, it was a busy port. Foxran exited the car and started to walk to the nearest pilot chatting next to his ship.

" Hey guy ! " The Mongrool taxi driver called out, " you forgot to take your passenger survey report you damn idiot ! "

Foxran rolled his eyes and returned to the taxi. He grabbed the thin computer note pad off of the driver and entered his name at the top of the survey. He knew he'd be arrested for _Failure to comply with the Galactic Taxi United Survey Report - By the Galactic Police Department of Federal and Republican Senates of Supernatural By-Laws , or the G.P.D.F.R.S.S.B. Now with less R. _

" Name confirmation, please stand by…" The notepad informed him. Foxran waited for about 10 minutes as the bar slowly crept to the right side, it was only at 50 percent five minutes later. He leaned on the taxi as he stared non-believingly at the notepad. " HEY !! " Foxran apologised to the driver for wiping some family dirt off the side of the car.

" Name acknowledge complete. Scanning for health records, please stand by…"

" Oh, come on ! " Foxran yelled at the computer notebook, " I've been here taking this stupid survey for twenty minutes now ! "

" Maybe you didn't hear me, please stand by….."

" Don't take so long this time. " Foxran muttered.

" Did you want me to load this information sir ? I can do this all day, I have a lifetime battery. "

" Please. " He sighed.

" Then please stand by….."

Foxran stood by for another 35 minutes until the computer informed him that the load was complete.

" Good can I go now ? " Foxran was about to hand the notebook back to the driver when the computer chimed up again.

" Health records indicate you haven't had a physical in ten years. You are five foot 11, 150 pounds, you are 4.7 pounds overweight, you have a scar on your left buttock from an attack by a….."

" Alright ?! What does this have to do with anything ? " Foxran pointed at the computer screen in anger.

" We need to scan for your police record now…."

" No, " Foxran waved and shook his head , " there's no flippin' way I'm waiting here anymore…"

" Please stand by…."

" I'm not standing by ! " Foxran handed the computer back to the driver, red and blue lights flashed from the computer screen and the driver gave him a shocked look.

Foxran Handerhanderhan's adventures were just beginning, his trouble with the _G.P.D.F.R.S.S.B. Now with less R _was just beginning.


	2. Levels and Rules not in order

**The Not Quite Complete Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy - **

* * *

**Voxran **

* * *

**Chapter 2 - Rules and Levels - **

* * *

**V**oxran Handerhanderhan approached the pilot of a large transport vessel entitled _Large Transport Vessel. The pilot was watching a news broadcast on his portable wrist computer. _

" _Hey. Think I could tag along on this run? " Voxran said as he eyed the man's wrist computer. _

" _You left your Italics on man. " The Pilot said, not paying much attention to Voxran. _

" _Come again ? " _

" _Your Italics, you left them on. " _

" _Oh, " Voxran stuttered , _" thanks. "

" See this crap ? Zaphod Beeblebrox is the new President of the Galaxy. "

" You must be joking. " Voxran couldn't believe his eyes, or the eyes of this pilot.

" Nope, he's about to give this speech here, but I've got no time to watch it. Headin' out my friend. If you want a ride, hop in. " The Pilot waved Voxran inside the large purple ship.

Voxran immediately noticed the smell of garbage as he walked down a long hallway towards the bridge of the ship. A few discarded robots sat lazily, or dead, along both sides of the hall. He sat at the back of the small bridge and observed the massively outdated technology of the ships interior.

" Ah ! " The scummy pilot entered and let one go as he sat on his captains chair full of rips and holes.

" _**Attention crew of the Large Transport Vessel **_, _**this is captain Flopper, please secure all loads as we are in preliminary launch mode ! " **_

" My name is Voxran Handerhanderhan, pleased to meet you ….. "

" _**My name is Rodney Flopper !! Captain of this ship !! **_"

" You can turn off the announcements, its just you and me. "

" _**I kind of like the sound of my own voice ! **_"

* * *

13.5 hours later ……………

Voxran made his way to the crew quarters of the large ship. It was another unimpressive display of trash and uncared for technology. A small dirt brown robot pleaded for his help when he entered, as customary a _Guide_ member, he ignored the robot.

" Care for a Tree Coffee ? " A huge, fat green alien asked him as he approached the small wooden table centered in the room.

" Not right now. But thanks. "

" Excellent! You'll love it ! " The big blob of alien placed a steaming, wood chipped filled cup in front of Voxran.

" Pay no attention to Fat-thing. " A skinny, bug alien announced from the far corner.

" It's Xxxxphililiipersingland. Is that so hard to say ?! " The fat alien objected.

" And that's why we call him Fat-thing. Where you from, green haired human ? "

" I'm a mid-level Hitchhiker from……….

* * *

_The guides unofficial rules of Hitchhiker roles of apprentices and masters. See index 15 thousand . 7 - Subsection 34 - Syntax error - Press Start to continue - _

_**Budding ( or NOOB ) : **__This is the first few years of a hitchhikers journeys, this is when a hiker will discover the many uses of his towel. When he exits his term and passes his 34 page exam he will receive a special GALACTIC E-MAIL : _

* * *

_From Guide Headquarters : _

_Congratulations ! You don't suck as much anymore. _

* * *

_After this e-mail from headquarters you are unofficially a…….. _

_**Rookie**__**(ROO-KEY ) **__: This covers the next five to six years as a hiker. A hiker will be required to visit three planets during this time, with a minimum of 150 guide entries per planet. 100 of the entries should cover alcohol, sex or money. If one subject has more merit to the hiker, then its allowed. Ten years ago a hiker named ------------ ( name removed to protect hiker ) Ford Prefect once encountered a Rookie named ---------(name removed to protect hiker ) Samsonoop Garwan the 3rd__ having problems with sex, Ford's quick thinking avoided a galactic wide invasion of Lizard babies, but that's a really long story covered in section 587 B- File 929333920192299302. _

_When a Rookie has a few adventures over the course of five or six years ( give or take five or six years ) he will receive another GALACTIC E-MAIL from headquarters….._

* * *

_From Guide Headquarters - _

_Thanks. _

* * *

_After this unbelievably uplifting e-mail a hiker will unofficially become a……._

_**Almost mid-level Hiker : **__This next trial covers only three years, a hiker must cover three planets, one per year. He must be arrested once during this time. At the end of this trial he will be required to answer 1000 multiple choice questions from headquarters. If he answers one wrong, he must start his trial over again. Its really annoying, believe me. At the end of this trial he must return to headquarters and CLEAN - UP - C.U is a process we don't talk about much, soooooo, we won't talk about it. _

_**Just about but not quite mid-level : **__See __**Almost mid-level hiker - **__but add two years . _

_**I can almost touch it I'm so close to mid-level : **__See - __**Just about but not quite mid-level- **__but add three years. _

_**Mid-Level **__: These are the glory years of a hiker, its when the average hiker can boast that he's higher than those other losers, and now he's not quite as restricted to Guide rules as before. Mid-Level hikers tend to show-off quite a bit more than any other level, its been said that there are Guide Gods out there that possess hikers at this level, but that's just shit talk. ( Edit, language. ) _

_Mid-level hikers can go as high as ten years before hearing back from HQ. Its like an inside joke to HQ with Mid-levellers, some Middies get forgotten completely. Its quite hilarious ! But that's another story ( covered in subsection 3451 ) _

_If a hiker survives the Mid-level years, he is propelled into…….._

_**Mid-Level Part 2 - The Revenge of Mid : **__See - __**Mid-Level **__- But add ten years, with a 100 page exam. _

_**Higher than mid-level : **__This is when a hiker is a bit older and wiser, but this section has a 15 year long quest in the middle - The Quest is covered on page three million and forty five in the pages of MARCOSIS'S BOOK OF RANDOM QUESTS found in the Feek Planet on the edge of the Galactic tidal wave. Not many have passed this level of hiker glory……but two or three have. _

_**MASTER**__ : This is the god-like era of hiker stardom, there are three plaques in HQ with the masters mugs on them. This is when a hiker walks around like he's king shit. _

_( edit, language. ) This era has lasted as long as thirty years. But nobody has lived long enough to make it to the next level of hiker stardom. _

_**SUPER MASTER : **__A hiker is required to completely kick total ass in this era, but no hiker has lived long enough to make it to this level. Seeing this problem, HQ has decided to make this level last only 15 years. If a Super Master can last that long he will automatically become a ………_

_**HYPER SUPER GOD MASTER SUPREME : **__A hiker will be required to make many trips around the galaxy and give out 21 speeches per planet, but no hiker has reached this level either. HQ decided that with this problem, they made just one more level to inspire people to live longer….._

_**HYPER SUPER GOD MASTER SUPREME CHAMPIONSHIP EDITION : **__See - __**HYPER SUPER GOD MASTER SUPREME **__- It's exactly the same. _

* * *

" A mid-level hitchhiker from ? " The insect-like alien persisted with his eight arms crossed.

" Huh ? "

" You said , _I'm a mid-level hitchhiker from_……then you went silent for ten minutes, it was weird. Even for a human. "

" Oh, sorry. " Voxran said then told his story.


	3. Stuff

**The Almost Complete Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy **

* * *

**Voxran **

* * *

**Chapter 3 - Stuff - **

* * *

**L**arge Transport Vessel zipped through space in hyper-mode. The old ship rattled as she made her way to its next destination. A tiny space slug tried to hold on to the hull for the last three hours, but it finally slipped off and tumbled end over end into space. The tiny space slug was never seen again.

" Large Transport Vessel 487-CBV- You are clear to leave port. " An official looking Garmonthera space port employee blinked on Rodney's front viewscreen.

" Thanks. " Captain Rodney Flopper flicked the switch, turning off the viewscreen. _A few hours late there boob. _He grabbed a large bottle of Garmonthera Whiskey and took a large swig, then wiped his mouth. He sat there in his captains chair for another few minutes, staring out at the stars. He touched a button on his arm rest. " Computer...."

" Yes, Captain. " A mechanical female voice answered from a speaker near the corner of the ceiling.

" Re-open communications with last known call, keep it private will you. " Rodney took another quick drink.

" Noting illegal activity. Re-opening communications in ten seconds. Please sit by. "

His viewscreen flicked on again to the same Garmonthera space port employee, he was talking to someone off to his right. _What are you up to ? His supervisor giving him a hard time? _After some more muted conversation, a hand appeared on the port employee's shoulder and gave him a reassuring pat. Then the owner of the hand walked out the door behind him. Rodney got a glimpse of his face. _Did I just see who I thought I saw ?! _

" Computer, rewind six seconds. " The computer replied, rewinding the image on screen, Rodney yelled and the screen froze on a blurry side profile of the face.

" Clean it up. " The computer cleared the image, Rodney lost his breath in an instant. _Harold - The Mustache - Garmone ! _

* * *

Voxran , Fat-Thing and Buggo sat at the small table in the lunch room, he was listening half heartedly to Buggo's long life story. Buggo's family of 52 million was impressive, but hearing the stories of the long family tree that seemed to branch on forever was getting a bit much. As if on cue, Voxran's Guide chimed, it was the special chime from HQ.

" One moment guys, I've got to take this. " _It's about time. _Voxran walked out of the lunch room with his Guide in hand, he answered the chime on the last page.

" Voxran here. "

" Voxran Handerhanderhan. This is OBO-678-KL-9999 - Prime Vice President speaking. "

_A damn robot, seriously. I hate this guy, er, machine. _

" We have a very special assignment for you. There have been sightings of The Devil near Blashoom Planet. Currently there are no guide entries on The Devil. He was sighted in his ship - Hell's Ship - Please investigate and report. Over. "

" Did you say...? "

" Affirmative. I said, over. " The screen went blank.

" The Devil ? Whoa. " Voxran let out a deep sigh. Now he had to find a way there.

**" VOXRAN ! Please report to the bridge. NOW !! " **

" What now ? "

* * *

Harold - The Mustache - Garmone , cheif of the _G.P.D.F.R.S.S.B._ walked down the space port hallway, pleased with himself. He was an overweight man in his mid fifties, dressed to the gills in his police uniform. His most striking feature was his huge handle bar mustache, the same one that won the -Galactic Mustache of the Year - Five years in a row. Harold has been the police cheif for the last thirty years, he has never lost his man, or alien. Feared by all outlaws.

" Sir ? " His number one Deputy Karen Chedda awaited him at the end of the hall, flanked by two other officers. She was a strikingly beautiful dark haired woman, but only on the job for one year. Harold's last number one died during a pirate raid.

" Things are well Karen. " Harold seemed a little out of breath after his hall walk, he was trying his best to hide it. " We have, " Deep breath , " We have finally found out who transported the faulty chips on Blashoom Planet, the same chips that poisoned five hundred people and aliens. Wheeze. One second. Phew ! We tracked a Voxran Handerhanderhan after he failed to complete his Taxi survey. He was spotted entering Large Transport Vessel a few hours ago. This is going to be a two-for-one Karen. "

" A two-for-one sir ? " Karen tilted her head in puzzlement.

" Ya, Karen. We were initially trying to get this Voxran, but now we have both him and Large Transport Vessel. "

" Lets get going then ! " Karen gave him a bright smile and opened a nearby door, she stepped in and fell down a long garbage chute, then grinded into tiny bits by the compactor. Her bits were then shot and burned in a matter of seconds. Harold eyed the door marked - Garbage -

" Franko P. Jr. " Harold stated to an officer standing nearby with a shocked expression. " You are now my number one Deputy, congratulations. "

" Sir ! I'm so happy ! " Franko grabbed Harold's hand and shook it vigorously, " Hey guys !! Guess what ... " Franko had mistakenly ran into the same door Karen did, he suffered the same fate.

" Stay where you are. " Harold said to the remaining officer.


	4. Trouble in space

**The Not Quite Complete Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy **

* * *

**Voxran - **

* * *

**Chapter 4 - Trouble in space - **

* * *

**R**odney Flopper, captain of Large Transport Vessel , sat in his captains chair glaring at Voxran. On the main view screen before him sat a frozen image of Harold _The Mustache_ Garmone.

Voxran squirmed in his seat next to the captain, he wasn't sure why he was brought here or who that man was with the unusually huge handle bar mustache, but he looked familiar somehow.

" You know Voxran, " Rodney started as he took a gulp of his whiskey, " I've been trying to avoid Garmone's attention for many years. I've slipped out the back door long before he arrived, every time. Do you have an idea why, **WHY THE CHIEF OF THE G.P.D.F.R.S.S.B NOW WITH LESS R IS FOLLOWING YOU ?!! " **

" I have no idea. Wait, no way ! " Voxran stood up quickly, " It was a taxi survey! I skipped it ! That's all Rod, I swear. "

" You will address me as _Captain_. " Rodney said trying to control his emotions.

" That's all it was Captain ! " Voxran said sitting down again.

" Let me let you in on a little secret Voxran. We are space pirates, but a new brand of pirates. Mostly non-violent. What we do is...."

" Space Ducks ! " Voxran proclaimed.

" Yes, that's our name. What we do is complete large shipments of what is needed on any certain planet. For example, in Garmonthera we had six hundred boxes of Polran apples to deliver for a merchant there. We stole the apples in our previous shipment, we received payment from the merchant for these apples while we robbed him of all his Frangonian Pear-Sticks. Now in our next shipment, we have an order for the entire shipment of Pear-Sticks. See what I'm getting' at here kid ? "

" Yes. " Voxran gulped as he saw Rodney's face screw into another mad frown.

" Do you understand why I don't like to grab the attention of the police chief in any way, shape or form ? "

Voxran nodded.

" **NOW I HAVE TO ….**. " Rodney was cut off by an alarm on his console. He hit a few buttons then tried to see what the problem was. " Damn ! Looks like a leaky control valve in the engine compartment. "

" Serious ? " Voxran asked, a little worried.

" Nah, if it leaks out we'll be fine. Just stranded in space for the rest of our lives. " Rodney hit a blue button , " **BUGGO , I have a section 63 leak in the engine compartment, go fix it ! **"

" You, go down and help him. I'm sick of looking at you right now. " Rodney pointed at his cockpit door and sat back.

* * *

_Guide entry - 456-TT7 - _

_Insectivorous Pal Malhenjectidess - BUGGO SPECIES - _

_Born in the farthest reaches of the galaxy , the Insectivorous Buggo's were formed in the deep jungles of the Green Planet of Smeltt 6 . They quickly dominated every other life form on the planet and became a master species in under ten years. The large alien insects usually stand around six feet tall and are master engineers . " But Guide , how can they be master engineers from a Forrest planet ?" You say ? Hell, I haven't the faintest idea. They just are, shut up about it alright ? _

* * *

Buggo left Fat-Thing in the lunch room and made his way down a long dirty hallway to the engine room. He could hear the problem before he opened the main door to the room, _a leak in the fourth valve again. _

_My mother can't cook worth shit ! _

_HEY !! That piece of CowCrow dung looks good ! _

_What is that idiot staring at ?! _

_I simply can't believe what Marshix said about my family, that dumb stick figure is FROM my family too !!_

_Garridop couldn't find his own limb in a limb storm. A limb storm ? What am I thinking ? _

_This weather sucks. _

_How fast is that girl ? She is fast man, fast ! _

_I'm skipping school today, there's just no way I'm going after last weekend. _

Buggo shook his head, almost every time he stopped to think, his hive mind went crazy. He could hear thousands of thoughts running around in his head at any certain time. It was annoying. His family just had to stop thinking, enough was enough. He entered the engine room and surveyed the scene.

" Maintenance bot, I need help here. " Buggo announced.

A door marked – _Maintenance Bot_ - opened at the far side of the loud room. A four foot tall robot rolled out on tank treads. The bot was covered in dust.

" I need you to turn that 40 Bolt ten degrees counter clockwise. " Buggo said as he removed a panel on the side of the massive engine compartment.

" 9.8 degrees would be sufficient. " The robot said in a horrible sounding computer voice. It then rolled over to the bolt.

Voxran entered the engine room.

" Hey Buggo, need any help ? "

" No. Don't disturb me please. " Buggo said as he reached one of his eight arms deep inside the open panel.

" Turning bolt. " The bot announced, followed by a loud crack noise. His arm snapped off in the middle of the turn.

" Appendige 2 has malfunctioned. I must return to maintenance for proper....." The bot made a dial up noise , " maintenance. "

" Dammit. " Buggo watched the bot leave the room. He eyed Voxran.

" Hey Buggo, need any help ? " Voxran smiled.

" Take that Space Grip and use it on the bolt while I reconfigure this section of recoils. When I say STOP, I want you to stop turning. Do you understand these instructions ? "

" Yes ! " Voxran said as he picked up the Space Grip, they looked like pliers but twenty times bigger.

He grunted as he began the slow process of turning the huge bolt. He waited for Buggo to yell but he didn't, so he kept turning.

_Damn kid shouldn't be in here._ Buggo thought.

_I can't believe SUPER-BUG had so much trouble with MAN-GUY ! That was a great movie ! _

_If I was invisible I'd sneak into the girls locker room and spy on Traxxy Snottersvile, she is so hot! _

_That was a nice gesture that old bug gave me, so kind. But what is a middle finger? I'll have to ask dad. _

_That's it, I'm retiring next week. I can't stand these sons of bitches any more. _

_Seriously ? A wig ? Come on Dannick, you can do better than a wig. Bugs don't have hair idiot. _

Buggo shook his head as a piercing alarm broke his thoughts.

" VOXRAN ! STOP !! " Buggo screamed.

" O.K ! " Voxran screamed. But it was too late, the engine had rotated around too much from the bolt turning and fried all the wires on the internal thing-a-mabob.

* * *

Rodney eyed the console as all his engine lights turned off completely.

" Must be running a diagnostic. " He said then took a large swig of his whiskey.


	5. Harold

**The Almost Complete Guide to the Galaxy **

* * *

Voxran Handerhanderhan -

* * *

Chapter 5 - Harold -

* * *

The Capital Ship of the _G.P.D.F.R.S.S.B. Now with less R _entitled _Harold's Horse _charged through space like a drugged up race horse getting whipped hard by its rider. The _Harold's Horse, _without question, is the biggest space ship in the galaxy at 7500 meters in length , 2300 meters in width, 1267 meters in height. The passenger capacity, mostly officers and crew ( that they know of ) is 13000, give or take 250 smaller humans-aliens.

Sprayed in pastel blue and shades of gray, the _Harold's Horse _is the scariest Police Station in the galaxy. We can go into further details of this ship, deck by deck, but….well…that would take another 15 chapters to explain. So as a Space Fly, we detach our suction cup legs from the wall inside Harold " The Mustache " Garmone's office wall and fly towards his huge oak desk, where he's concentrating intensely, staring at his computer monitor. He bats us away with the back of his hand, letting out a heavy sigh. We fall to the floor with two broken wings. We are later stepped on by cleaning staff, killing us. We suck.

His office door chimed softly over the annoying hum of his loud computer tower, that needed its fans replaced badly. Harold waved his hands at the door and grunted, " Come in."

A bony teenager entered with an old fashioned clip board in his hand. His uniform rumpled and too big for his body. Darwan Garmentless , Harold's official - LINE - writer.

" I hope you have good news Darwan. " Harold grunted, his chin resting on his palm. Rodney Flopper's image spun in slow circles on his computer monitor.

" I DO sir ! " Darwan's voice crackled with excitement. Harold shut off the monitor and sat back in his comfortable office chair.

" I have new lines for you when you arrest _The Space Ducks _! " Darwan almost jumped in the air.

" Let's have it then. " Harold crossed his arms. He hated hearing impressions of himself, but he allowed it when his LINE writer was here.

" O.K, " Darwan cleared his throat, " here we go. _You won't be running a FOWL anymore Flopper _! " Darwan pounded his own chest as he did his best Harold impersonation.

" Next. " The Mustashe was not impressed.

" _Your GOOSE is cooked Flopper ! _"

" That's terrible. "

" _It's time to put a cork in your quack ! _"

" I hope you didn't spend too much time hurting yourself with these Darwan. " Harold's face was turning red now.

" _You are under arrest ! _"

" Hmm, I like that one. We can add to it though. " The door chimed softly, breaking Darwin's buzz.

" Come in. "

It was Harold's new Deputy, Mark Ladd. A normal half-human alien thing people usually avoided, the only way to tell he was alien was from the missing eyebrows.

" Sir. " Mark saluted. Harold nodded a salute back.

" We have disturbing news. _Hell's Ship _was spotted near Blashoom Planet. "

" What ? You must be joking ! " Harold stoop up quickly from his chair. " Where did you receive these reports from deputy ? "

" We have confirmed reports from Space Dock 17 near the fifth moon. They sent images that are uploading to your computer work station as we speak. " Darwan glared unbelievably at the deputy.

Harold quickly typed in commands at his desk and waited for the image to finish loading on his monitor. He started to tap his foot as his screen wouldn't refresh fast enough. The picture stopped loading and a error box appeared…

**Error 265 : TRW - The image you were trying to receive has a few problems with it, for starters, its too big. **

Harold typed in a reload command after making some guttural cursing noises.

E**rror 312 : TWW - The reload command is invalid. Abort, retry, fail ? I vote fail . **

Harold was about to type something else when the error box interrupted him…..

**Bad command or file name. Idiot. **

" What the hell is going on with this thing ? Get technical in here now ! " Harold roared to his deputy, Mark took out a small remote and hit some buttons. Moments later, five humans dressed in technical gear entered his office.

* * *

35 Minutes later….

" …..so that was the problem, a error code virus had been attacking your computer for awhile now. " One of the pompous techies declared.

" Most likely caused by pornographic downloading in most cases. " Said another pompous techie.

" Harold " The Mustashe " Garmone does NOT download pornography ! " Mark roared. Harold's red face nodded in agreement, almost too quickly.

" I said in most cases, there we go. Your image is ready. "

Harold studied the image of _Hell's Ship_, a ship only half as large as his own, with red paint, and pointy things poking out here and there.

" What an ugly vessel. " Harold breathed.

" Sir, we have your personal Mustache trimmer on his way. " A secretary entered his office unannounced.

" Aaaaannnd heeeeeeere he is ! " A really fat Italian themed man entered, with all sorts of trimming equipment.

Mark and Darwan inspected the Italians special trimming bag. Mark picked up an odd cigar shaped object out of the bag and got the Italians attention. " What on Socapious 5 is _this_ thing ? " He waved it around, it made a beep noise then a red laser shot out, neatly decapitating Marks head from his body.

" That is my special _Precision Hair Zapper 8000. _You needa three yearsa ofa training to be…." Mark's head rolled under the Italian's legs, "…..able to use it. Wow. Poora man. "

" Damn. I'll need another Deputy. " Harold said uninterested in the events around him, he stared at the monitor, the _Hell's Ship _spun slowly around like Rodney Flopper's did, awhile ago.

Just then, thirteen woman raced into the room, " Mr Garmone, we have to clean your office now ! " They were all very attractive, scantily dressed cleaners.

" This is getting out of hand, there's too many people in my office. " Harold muttered as he continued to stare at the image.


	6. The Hunter

**The Almost Complete Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy - **

* * *

**Voxran - **

* * *

**Chapter 6 - The Hunter - **

* * *

**V**oxran sat with Buggo and Xxxxphililiipersingland or Fat-Thing, as Buggo called him. We'll call him Fat-Thing because of the difficult time we have with his real name. The three of them sat there drinking, Fat-Thing was clearly the drunkest of the three as his speech was completely slurred. The lunch room was quiet, and dark. Buggo had dimmed the lights in case the Captain walked by the room. They were in deep trouble, the engine was dead.

" Could we replace the wires with robot internal wiring ? " Buggo asked Fat-Thing, who wasn't listening at all.

" Yer-n' assassass. Aren't ya, humanoido. " Fat-Thing eyed Voxran, with his eyes slowly closing.

" No, I'm not an assassin. A hitchhiker. " Voxran said then took another drink as he watched Fat-Thing swallow his own drink, then the glass too.

* * *

_Fat-Thing __**( Xxxxphililiipersingland Xcarvaniophlzermando ) **__- A large slime filled alien, usually shapes to a form of a fat man, who wears human clothing as well. From the planet Blobbo, he is from a massive blob family, they are highly adaptable in any situation. Usually they are computer experts, they can also consume anything. __There are not a lot of cases where Fat-Thing aliens have mixed with regular aliens and humans, sooooo we'll just end the entry here and wait for updates. _

_Latest update….._

_Fat-Things are pretty fat ? What smart ass put this update here ? _

* * *

Rodney Flopper woke up in his captains chair, he rubbed his eyes and gave his head a shake to try to wake up. He stretched and let the whiskey bottle rattle away on the floor as it fell off his lap. He sat there and tapped the side of his control display. _Must not be working_. He gave it another tap. Then he saw that the display lights for the engine were still out. _But that was HOURS ago now. What kind of twisted diagnostic are they running down there ? _

* * *

" We could say, no, " Voxran slapped the side of his own drunken head, " that's a bad idea. He knew we were down there fixing it. "

" Shut up… green hair. " Fat-Thing muttered, barely conscious.

" We could blame it on this Hitchhiker. " Buggo pointed his ale towards Voxran.

" Me ? You were the one who wuz s'pose tuh warn me…." Voxran set his drink down hard on the table, but just missed the edge and his glass fell to the floor and smashed.

" See ? Human turd can't even place his glass on the table right. " Buggo started to laugh in a high pitch bug way as Fat-Thing started to slide down his chair.

" I hate you guys. I wish I was still ….." Voxran was shushed quickly by Buggo who had one of his insect fingers to his mouth.

" _What ? _" Voxran whispered.

" _Footsteps ! Hide ! _" Buggo scowled and kicked his chair out, he staggered to one end of the lunch room, quickly opened a lower cupboard and vanished from sight.

Voxran tilted his head to try to hear the footsteps. Fat-Thing suddenly became more alert and slinked away under the sink, his green form changed colour to match the cleaning products. Voxran quickly looked around the room for a hiding place.

* * *

Rodney opened the door to the lunch room. _Odd, its dark in here. When did my crew become energy conscious ? Never , they never are. Something's wrong. _He flicked on the light and noticed empty ale glasses all over the lunch room table. He dipped his finger inside one of the glasses and rubbed some green slime in between his fingers , _even Fat-Thing is drinking, he only drinks when he's highly stressed out. Something is really wrong here. _

Rodney jumped back in shock as the top cupboard flew open and Voxran came tumbling out of it, crashing violently to the floor. He picked up the young man and brushed him off.

" What were you doing up there ? " Rodney asked, trying to stay calm.

" When I was a young boy…." Voxran burped, " I wuz, I had…" He raised a finger as though he was making an important point , " …..I couldn't sleep in comfortable situations. I hadda sleep in the most cramped places as possible. "

" Have an idea why the engines are still down ? " Rodney slowly balled up the front of Voxran's shirt in his fist.

" Dunno, that bug told me to get lost, then I fella sleep. " Voxran gave Rodney a pathetic smile.

_Sounds reasonable. Where the hell is that bug anyway ? _" Where is Buggo anyway ? " Rodney asked pulling Voxran a little closer.

" Did ya check the engine room ? " Voxran asked with a slight hiccup afterwards.

Rodney let go of Voxran then quickly left the lunch room.

" You idiot ! We have to leave the ship ! " Buggo crashed out of the lower cupboard grabbing hold of tools as he scrambled to his feet.

" Yuh dunnit now assassass ! " Fat-Thing reappeared in his original form.

" What's all the panic guys, is he that unreasonable ? " Voxran asked , followed by the feint scream from another part of the ship. He raised his eyebrows , " Uh oh. "

* * *

_How in the world did those idiots screw things up THIS BADLY ! _Rodney stood in one spot trying to keep his temper in check. He tilted his head slowly to the left, then slowly to the right. He stretched his arms out then let out a long sigh. The engine room door opened and a maintenance robot entered. Rodney picked up the robot and threw him against the metal wall, the robot broke into four neat pieces.

He exited the engine room. He walked down the hallway towards to the elevator that brought him to the level where the lunch room was.

" Computer, locate Voxran, Buggo and Fat-Thing. "

" **They are dead. **" The computer responded in a cheerful voice.

_Fat-Thing must have removed their signatures from the computer, but he's right_. _They ARE dead when I find them. _

Rodney accessed a panel using his Captains Command Authority Code. ( C.C.A.C. ) He pressed his palm into the back wall plate, it made a confirmation beep then slid open to reveal a nasty looking rifle….

* * *

**The CBX-423 - REPEATING RIFLE SOLDIER CLASS SPECIAL MOLD 5 - T**he CBX-423 _is the soldiers class_, the _champion of rifles in the galaxy. Full powder coated laser chrome with a cross hatch handle that can be detached when fuel cells go low, the handle can detach into a hand pistol that fires low grade lasers. The rifle itself can blow a nice hole in the chest of a battle robot from a nine hundred foot range with little interruption in deceleration precision. The CBX - 423 version now has a built in audio detector that can pick up sounds from three hundred meters away, it also has a built in plasma grenade launcher, electronic zapper nets , rubbing oils for those stressful days, sixty two thousand radio channels and the very first fifty terabit computer brain squeezed into the main heart of the rifle, it might be the smartest gun in the galaxy. I love this gun. _

* * *

Rodney picked up the rifle and smiled. The hunt would begin now.


End file.
